Gulu Walk 2008: Are You Walking?

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Cookies Are The New Cupcakes

I hate cupcakes. There, I said it. (Okay, so I don’t hate cupcakes, but I’m sick of hearing about them. ) Lately, it’s been all, “cupcakes this and cupcakes that.” Thank gawd there’s been a cupcake backlash.

So I’m officially here to nominate the cookie as the cupcake’s official opposing candidate. If you haven’t heard, cookies f’ing rule. And here’s why:

• Cookies don’t have muffin tops (yeah fatty cupcakes, you heard me).
• You can make one BIG cookie and put icing on it. If you do that to a cupcake, it becomes a cake. Lame.
• Number of cookie flavors: Infinite.
• Number of cupcake flavors: 15 at best. FAIL.
• One single cupcake from Crumbs Bakery in NYC has up to 36 grams of fat. Try saying that about a cookie (or four).
• Is there a cupcake named after an amazingly beautiful and talented woman? Me and Mrs. Fields thinks not.

I have ten thousand other reasons why I adore cookies and think cupcakes are subpar, but I’m too busy buying this shirt to continue posting. So I’ll end with this:

Gays and Gas Guzzlers

Can a man be identified as a homosexual if he:

a) drives a Mazda Miata

b) has a license plate that reads, “CREBRAL”

c) gestures wildly while giggling into his blue tooth as Coldplay’s, “Fix You” blares from his car stereo

d) all of the above

This is the question my fiance and I were debating after driving next to a man fitting this description a few nights ago. Just because a man drives a (cough, cough, sissy) Mazda Miata…does that make him gay? Just because a man chooses to advertise the size of his large brain (cough, cough, small penis) by sporting a CREBRAL license plate…does that make him gay?

In an article published today, The New York Times attempts to answer those questions while investigating whether certain attributes of a car make it more appealing to homosexuals. According to Ramone Johnson, a gay journalist and former Saturn engineer, “soft lines” and a “vibrant personality” (AKA: the VW Beetle) are components gay men are most attracted to in a car.

After reading the article, I was intrigued. To better understand the preferences of a homosexual man in the market for a new automobile, I decided to go straight to a trusted source: my phenomenally fantastic gay friend, “Don,” who works in my office. (Yes, I’m changing his name for privacy sake. Let’s just say “Don” drives a Ford Explorer and doesn’t want all of his gay friends to know. “It’s too frat boy,” he tells me.) Anyhoo, here’s a snippet from our talk:

[Begin Interview]

Me: So what kind of cars do you like, my fine gay friend?

Don: Ummm, I like cars that say, “sassy!”

Me: That makes sense. Would you say a Mazda Miata is “sassy”?

Don: In a princess sort of way, I guess. Personally, I think Miatas are for sissy’s.

Me: Agreed. High five on that. (At this point, we give each other high five. I don’t know why – we just do.)

Don: I’m tired – want to go get a coffee?

Me: Focus, Don, focus. Isn’t there anything else you want to say about cars and gays for my blog?

Don: Cars are boring. You should write a blog post about homos and shoes!

[Aaaand that's as far as we got.]

Which brings me to the moral of the story: buy whatever car you want regardless of which team you play for, just refrain from personalizing your license plate with crap like CREBRAL.

Because let’s be serious… gay or straight: that’s just plain lame.

Honk If You Hate Bumper Stickers

I once had a crazy coworker who collected bumper stickers on the back of her red Toyota Camry. This woman had some real gems. Case and point:

In the company lot, her designated parking spot was right next to mine. This meant that the first thing I saw every morning on the walk from my car to the office would be sayings like this:

Great way to start the day.

When the time came for my bumper sticker sister to leave the company, she had collected about 62 total. Among them were a few real winners that I’ve decided to share with all of you in honor of her departure. If you’re lucky enough to get stuck in gridlock traffic behind this woman, please give her my best. Believe me, you’ll know her when you see her.

Why I Love This Job and All Things Sassy

“Wanted: A sassy young woman with intense creativity, a passion for life, a solid sense of humor, a love of wellness, and an unwavering need to contribute to something that will make a difference.”

This is the awesome job description that somehow made its way into my inbox today. When I first read it, I couldn’t help but sit straight up in my chair, launch my hand skyward and start waving it furiously while yelling, “That’s me! That’s me!”

But wait, there’s more. The company is also looking for a candidate that has writing and/or internet experience. Ahem (tapping microphone) is this thing on??? “I’m right here!”

Because I want this job so badly that I’d do anything to get it, I dedicate today’s Tuesday Tirade to…

WHY I LOVE THIS JOB AND WANT IT MORE THAN JENNIFER ANISTON AS MY BFF:

Frankly, I think me and this job go together better than Britney Spears and Redbull. Why? Let’s examine the evidence:

• Sass. I’m sassy. I mean, I think I’m sassy. During my unfortunate pre-teen years when I had bangs the size of Bermuda, my parents would often say to me, “Don’t be sassy with me, young lady!” That counts, right? If you’re thinking sassy in terms of “lively and spirited,” I’m that kind of sassy as well. My mom likes to call it “spunk.”
• Creativity. Creativity’s my shtick. My college major even had “creative” in the title. (And for all you sleuths out there trying to piece together the puzzle, I was a Creative Writing Major.) I’m so creative, I even fabricate conversations between myself and a urinal thief just for fun. What can I say? I have an active imagination.
• Passion for Life. Again, it’s like looking in a mirror! I have more passion for life than the guys in the extreme Mountain Dew commercials. I’ll try anything once…except cheesecake. I hate cheesecake.
• A Sense of Humor. I make you guys laugh now and then, don’t I? More importantly, I laugh at myself all the time. I do some funny shit…especially when I’m stuck in traffic and start talking to myself.
• A Love of Wellness. Maybe it’s my Colorado upbringing, my bionic older brother, or my love of sports. Whatever it is, I know how great it feels to be healthy, to surround your body with only things that can nurture it. Feeling healthy = feeling pretty damn good. Now please pass the green tea.
• Making a Difference. Not to sound like an after-school special, but now more than ever I feel a calling to contribute to something bigger than myself. It could possibly be a quarter-life crisis whispering in my ear, but something about marketing food and beverages online just doesn’t cut it for me anymore. I need more.
• Writing & The Internet. What a pair, and easily my two most favorite things in the world with the exception of guacamole and Jennifer Aniston. I have yet to reach the end of the internet, but I’m pretty darn close. And Jen, well she knows how much I love her.

So there you have it. Reasons why I think I could take this job and run with it. Now I just need to apply…

PS – Speaking of Sassy, does anyone out there remember Sassy Magazine??? That was my first ever magazine subscription in the late ’80s. Then it went and got cancelled around the same time as “My So Called Life.” One of the worst weeks of my life as a Middle Schooler, I tell you. Jordan Catalano, I’ll always love you.

               

Look at Me! I’m Special!

In an alarming and completely shocking study released this morning by San Diego State University, researchers are reporting that today’s college students are more narcissistic and self-centered than ever before. OMGOMGOMG – hold the phone! Are you SERIOUS?? College students are thinking only of themselves and how they’re perceived by others? Shut up!

The study goes on to state that because of of this increased narcissim, young people will have difficulties maintaining meaningful relationships with others. Now this makes sense if you look at…oh, I don’t know…Britney Shears, for example. Or Paris Hilton. Or Nicole Richie. These young divas are the high royalty of the “Look at me, I’m special” phenomenon.

Technological advances in today’s society are also blamed for this increased self-centeredness among students, especially social networking websites like MySpace.

The new report also found that nearly three-quarters of the college freshmen it surveyed thought it was important to be “very well-off financially.” Let’s all give MTV’s reality show, “My Super Sweet Sixteen,” a big round of applause for that one.

For those of you lucky readers out there who’ve never seen the show, “Sweet Sixteen” documents overly wealthy fifteen year olds as they plan, whine about and obnoxiously demand lavish sixteenth birthday parties costing up to a million bucks. Let’s just say I once counted how many times a young girl whined “Daddy” on camera while watching the show, but gave up after the number neared 50.

Anyhoo…it’s no shock to me that today’s college students are screaming on the inside and out, “Look at me! I’m special!” But in reality, don’t we all (embarassing as it is) find ourselves doing this from time to time?

I know I do. I started this blog, didn’t I? Aren’t I special?

Why I Love The Caballeros’ Cajones…

With wedding season lingering in the distance, I would like to dedicate my Tuesday Tirade to the Caballeros, an incredibly intelligent husband and wife team who did the following, according to Reuters:

“Fed up with spending too many weekends going to weddings, an Argentine couple took out a paid announcement on the social pages of a major newspaper expressing their desire for some social neglect. ‘We thank you ahead of time for understanding this petition, which is due to our saturated social calendar,’ read the ad in La Nacion.”

Wow. The Caballeros have some serious cajones, don’t they? As a newly engaged bridezilla-to-be, I certainly understand how life can be all about weddings. But having a bethrothal every single weekend is enough for anyone to feel the need to become a Wedding Ditcher.

Even better is Adolfo Caballeros’ explanation of why he’s opting out of being a frequent wedding day participant: “It’s fun for youngsters who want to dance until 5 a.m. … but the next day I’m tired and I can’t move when I want to go play tennis.” C’mon Adolfo. Isn’t that just a really nice way of saying, “Sometimes post wedding hangovers are truly sucktastic???” ‘Tis true…celebrating love can be truly exhausting…but doesn’t this just look a f’ing good time??

Which leads me to believe my idea of serving guacomole jello shots at my wedding is still a good one….note to self: don’t rule that out just yet.

 

TomKat’s Night at the Roxbury

This clip of TomKat dancing at a Super Bowl party last weekend makes me feel funny on the inside. Really, have you ever seen two more awkward human beings trying to boogie down with each other?

Apparently, Tom and Katie are taking dance lessons from the Butabi brother’s of SNL’s “Night at the Roxbury” and have picked up quite a few moves.