Starbucks Swag: Not Just For Celebrities!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. The ‘Bucks will be giving out free cups of Joe next Thursday, March 15th, between 10am and 12 noon in celebration of their 2nd Annual Coffee Break. Yippee! Caffeine for Free!

Perhaps this “Coffee Break” is just what the ‘Bucks needs after a recent (and depressing) memo leaked to the press from the company’s Chairman, Howard Schultz. In the brutally honest memo, Schultz argues that his mass producing chains “no longer have the soul of the past,” resulting in “the watering down of the Starbucks experience.”

Not to go all Jerry Maguire here…but was that really a memo, Howard? It seems to me to be more of a mission statement.

Regardless, you know what Howie? I will FULLY buy into the authentic Starbucks experience again if you do one thing for me. Okay, if you do two things for me:

1) Drop the price of your Grande Nonfat Semi-Dry Sugar-Free No Whip Cinnamon Dolce Latte to $1

2) Give away free Grande Nonfat Semi-Dry Sugar-Free No Whip Cinnamon Dolce Latte’s at next week’s Coffee Break. Please don’t give out just regular cups of coffee. Zzzzzzz, borrrrring.

Basically, Howard, if you want to keep me as a loyal customer, you’re gonna have to SHOW ME THE MONEY!

(And by “Show Me the Money,” I mean offer me a free, no obligation, lifetime Starbucks card with an endless balance. Thank you.)

Doughnuts. Is There Anything They Can’t Do?

I haven’t had a donut in about two years. The last time I indulged in one of these sinful pastry devils was with Mr. Memos in Brielle, NJ back in ‘05. We were spending a long, beach weekend with about 12 friends. One morning after a particularly rough night, we went out and bought a delightful variety box from Dunkin’ Donuts for the troops nursing their hangovers back at home. Boston Cremes, Glazed, Powdered, Sprinkled, Sugared…nothing but the best for my entourage.

Anyhoo, the reason I’m relating this story to you is because these fine little doughy creatures have been in the news a lot lately. Especially since Dr. Robert Bohannon, a molecular scientist who moonlights as a café owner, invented a way to add caffeine to baked goods. According to CNN:

“The amount of caffeine in his creations can vary, but Bohannon can easily put 100 milligrams of caffeine — the equivalent of a 5-ounce cup of drip-brewed coffee — into the treats he plans to market under the ‘Buzz Donuts’ and ‘Buzzed Bagels’ names.”

Yahtzee! Two of my favorite things have just been united into what has to be the best invention of the past decade. (Jen, don’t worry…you’re still in the top three.) I’m unapologetically ecstatic about this merger because I’m one of those caffeine addicts you read about that can’t start their day without a Venti Latte from the ‘Bucks. I’m that one co-worker you avoid at all costs before 10 AM unless they have a hot, steaming cup of Joe in their hands. Caffeine, for me, is a moral imperative. And to have it strategically placed in baked goods? My knees go weak at the mere thought.

Apparently, manipulating donuts is something that’s been on the forefront of the cafe culture for awhile. At Voodoo Doughnut in Portland, Oregon, customers can order “doughnuts shaped like voodoo dolls or flavored with Tang,” according to NCBuy Weird News. The Portland jaunt even used to offer doughnuts glazed with awesome over-the-counters such as Robitussin, Ny-Quil and Pepto-Bismol before the poopy-pants FDA intervened.

So there you have it. Caffeine Donuts. Tang Donuts. Donuts glazed with addictive Ny-Quil. As Homer Simpson so graciously put it, “Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”

It’s Monday Morning and Lattes Just Won’t Cut It This Time

Okay, okay…I know I’ve talked a lot about wishing for an espresso cart at my place of employment (just like those lucky Googlers)…but on this Monday morning, a shot of caffeine just won’t do. I need something stronger…something with a little kick. I think I need a wine machine, and I think I need it STAT.

Enter the Enomatic Wine Serving System — a critical addition to my office that I just notified the HR Department about. It works somewhat simlarly to a vending machine – but the fact that it dispenses pinots, not cheetos, is enough to get me drooling on my keyboard. All you do is place your wine glass underneath the spout of your choosing and voila, your Monday morning just got better. Reds, whites (and if I had it my way, champagne)…there’s no discriminating when it comes to the Wine Serving System, which houses up to 16 wine bottles.

You can even trade in your Starbucks card for a Wine-O card…the Enomatic offers customers the ability to charge their drinks on plastic! Yippee!

So there you have it…the perfect reason to kick your caffeine addiction to the curb. If you ask me, I think we’d all be a little more efficient if we could just start our days off with a little morning merlot. Just ask this woman…she looks REALLY happy to be at work: