Hot Pockets: I Like Them…Stop Kidding Yourself, You Like Them Too

At this point, I think we know each other well enough for me to let you in on a little secret. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s something you should know. I like Hot Pockets.

More specifically, I like Lean Pockets…and everything Lean Pockets represent. This includes the little cardboard sleeve they come in, the smell that emenates from your microwave when you’re nuking them, their flaky breaded shell that crumbles against your fork, and the vast array of flavors available at your local grocery store’s frozen food aisle. There’s nothing like a little Ham & Cheese LP to get me through a tough day at work. This is something I just thought you should know.

And hey, those little pastry pockets aren’t too bad for you either. Admittedly, when I look at the ingredient list of a Lean Pocket, I can’t say that I’m familiar with “modified food starch, dried whey and palm kernel oil,” but hell – that little delicious puppy only has 280 calories. Meat and cheese wrapped in a Poptart? Delightful.

But there are risks associated with Hot Pocket consumption. I know this and Jim Gaffigan knows this. So with that, I give you the following important safety announcement regarding Hot Pockets. Please take this seriously, you fellow Pocket fans. (I know you’re out there.) And remember: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER MICROWAVED. I can never remember that damn part.

Hoooooot Poooockettttt!

It’s Monday Morning and Lattes Just Won’t Cut It This Time

Okay, okay…I know I’ve talked a lot about wishing for an espresso cart at my place of employment (just like those lucky Googlers)…but on this Monday morning, a shot of caffeine just won’t do. I need something stronger…something with a little kick. I think I need a wine machine, and I think I need it STAT.

Enter the Enomatic Wine Serving System — a critical addition to my office that I just notified the HR Department about. It works somewhat simlarly to a vending machine – but the fact that it dispenses pinots, not cheetos, is enough to get me drooling on my keyboard. All you do is place your wine glass underneath the spout of your choosing and voila, your Monday morning just got better. Reds, whites (and if I had it my way, champagne)…there’s no discriminating when it comes to the Wine Serving System, which houses up to 16 wine bottles.

You can even trade in your Starbucks card for a Wine-O card…the Enomatic offers customers the ability to charge their drinks on plastic! Yippee!

So there you have it…the perfect reason to kick your caffeine addiction to the curb. If you ask me, I think we’d all be a little more efficient if we could just start our days off with a little morning merlot. Just ask this woman…she looks REALLY happy to be at work:

Is that a Urinal in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Oh glorious, glorious day! It’s Friday…the beginning of the weekend…and two days of freedom await me. What better way to celebrate then to enjoy a nice cold lager at my local drinking hole?

But wait…what’s that? What’s that guy carrying? Whatever it is, it’s HUGE. Is that a…? No, it couldn’t be. There’s no way…like that would ever happen. Wait, wait a second…it is…I think it is…

Oh. My. God. IT IS!

The above was the inner dialogue of a young lad in England who, just hours ago, personally witnessed the robbery of a urinal from a town pub. You think I’m kidding? Think again, my friend. Reuters is reporting that british police are in pursuit of a man who stole a TOILET from a men’s bathroom at a pub. The article goes on to say:

“The suspect walked into the Royal Oak pub in Southampton, on the English south coast, ordered half a pint of beer and then made several visits to the men’s toilet. There he carefully removed a white urinal from the wall, stuffed it into a rucksack and was captured on closed circuit television walking out with the bulging sack on his back.”

Sir, whoever you are, please think about what you’re doing. Sir, I think you need to return the urinal - unharmed - to the pub immediately. This is not a joke. I’m guessing somebody needs to use that thing as we speak. And if men have to start sharing the women’s bathroom at the pub, well, it could get ugly… somebody could get hurt. Sir, do it for me. Please.

Please bring the urinal home.

(If anyone has seen the above urinal, please alert the authorities immediately)