With One Click You Can Save Thousands Of Children

It’s very rare that I tout a non-profit. But listen up, people. This is serious.

It’s time to support International Medical Corp (IMC) -  a global, humanitarian, nonprofit organization dedicated to saving lives and relieving suffering through health care training. Established in 1984 by volunteer doctors and nurses, IMC’s mission is to improve the quality of life through health interventions in underserved communities worldwide.

The coolest part? IMC has been chosen out of 1,190 projects by American Express to be eligible to receive up to $1.5 million in funding. But you have to VOTE for them HERE in order for them to get this funding!

Yes, it’s really possible that with one click, you can save the lives of thousands of malnourished children – but you have to vote HERE before September 29th.

Please take one minute of your day to vote. It will mean that severely malnourished kids will receive a life-saving treatment program that will offer them much-needed nutrient-dense food supplements. This is a life-saving action that will change the lives of thousands. Please help NOW by voting here.  

We Are The Hokies

As you go to bed this evening, please consider taking part in “Hokie Hope” day tomorrow in honor of all who lost their lives earlier this week. On Friday, wear your Orange and Maroon in support of the Virginia Tech community.

“We will continue to invent the future through our blood and tears and through all our sadness … We are the Hokies.”

– Nikki Giovanni, University Distinguished Professor, poet, activist

“Is This Thing On???” and Other Stories From the Blackberry Blackout

It’s official…the apocalypse has come. Late last night, a system failure at Research In Motion caused millions of Blackberry users in the Western Hemisphere to ask, “What the hell? Is this thing ON???” That’s right – all was quiet on the email front for hours on end while email traffic was completely interruped by some serious system gliches.

In New York City, businessmen were seen hunting down pigeons in Central Park, tying cocktails napkins with handwritten notes to the birds’ feet, and releasing them into the air while yelling, “MUST COMMUNICATE WITH MY BROKER!”

Socialites were using morse code in overcrowded, boisterous nightclubs. College students desperately sent out MySpace Bulletins to keep in touch with their friends. In DC, Senators and Congressmen resorted to the traditional use of human Pages to run across the city with memorized memos drifting in ther heads…a few bystanders even spotted some youngsters jogging with briefcases handcuffed to their wrists.  (And you thought that only happened in “Spies Like Us…”)

And finally, poor Jessica Simpson sat at Mr. Chow’s, repeatedly pressing her Blackberry’s “Send/Receive” button, thinking, “…………..”

Dear god, what is the world coming to??????

(PS – the “Englightening Quote of the Week” contest is coming to a close…get your funny-ass comments in before it’s too late!)

Gays and Gas Guzzlers

Can a man be identified as a homosexual if he:

a) drives a Mazda Miata

b) has a license plate that reads, “CREBRAL”

c) gestures wildly while giggling into his blue tooth as Coldplay’s, “Fix You” blares from his car stereo

d) all of the above

This is the question my fiance and I were debating after driving next to a man fitting this description a few nights ago. Just because a man drives a (cough, cough, sissy) Mazda Miata…does that make him gay? Just because a man chooses to advertise the size of his large brain (cough, cough, small penis) by sporting a CREBRAL license plate…does that make him gay?

In an article published today, The New York Times attempts to answer those questions while investigating whether certain attributes of a car make it more appealing to homosexuals. According to Ramone Johnson, a gay journalist and former Saturn engineer, “soft lines” and a “vibrant personality” (AKA: the VW Beetle) are components gay men are most attracted to in a car.

After reading the article, I was intrigued. To better understand the preferences of a homosexual man in the market for a new automobile, I decided to go straight to a trusted source: my phenomenally fantastic gay friend, “Don,” who works in my office. (Yes, I’m changing his name for privacy sake. Let’s just say “Don” drives a Ford Explorer and doesn’t want all of his gay friends to know. “It’s too frat boy,” he tells me.) Anyhoo, here’s a snippet from our talk:

[Begin Interview]

Me: So what kind of cars do you like, my fine gay friend?

Don: Ummm, I like cars that say, “sassy!”

Me: That makes sense. Would you say a Mazda Miata is “sassy”?

Don: In a princess sort of way, I guess. Personally, I think Miatas are for sissy’s.

Me: Agreed. High five on that. (At this point, we give each other high five. I don’t know why – we just do.)

Don: I’m tired – want to go get a coffee?

Me: Focus, Don, focus. Isn’t there anything else you want to say about cars and gays for my blog?

Don: Cars are boring. You should write a blog post about homos and shoes!

[Aaaand that's as far as we got.]

Which brings me to the moral of the story: buy whatever car you want regardless of which team you play for, just refrain from personalizing your license plate with crap like CREBRAL.

Because let’s be serious… gay or straight: that’s just plain lame.

The PAX Peepshow

First off, apologies that its been awhile, dear readers. It won’t happen again. But what I have in store for you today should more than make up for my recent absence on the blogosphere. I hope you’re sitting down.

According to TVSquad, quite a few people in Phoenix were shocked and appalled last week when, out of the blue, the health special they were watching on TV was interrupted by hardcore porn. What’s worse? The special was being hosted by Tom Brokaw. What’s worse than that? The station in which this porn sabotage occured was KPPX-TV 51, a PAX affiliate. For those of you who aren’t familiar with PAX, it’s a religious Christian TV station. (Now please re-read this paragraph and look for the three bolded phrases I just chose to emphasize…because you’ll never see those words written in conjunction with each other EVER AGAIN.)

Allegedly, “station managers say someone in master control did it intentionally.” That. is. fantastic.

Those who were lucky enough to witness this act of complete TV rebellion were able to see between five and ten minutes of slapping skins, albeit with no sound. Kinky, eh?

Phoenix PD, I have a lead for you. I know of a particularly naughty young woman (initials of L.A.) who conveniently lives in the greater Phoenix area and could’ve most definitely masterminded a stunt like the one described above. I’ll pull together a composite picture and fax it to you now.

And in completely unrelated news, attendance at church this past Sunday in Phoenix hit an all-time high. Sinners.

The Wheels on The Google Bus Go, “Aren’t you Jealous?”

I know I’ve written about this before…and maybe I’m a little bit obsessed…but I just can’t help it. Just in time for St. Patrick’s Day, let’s all get a little green with envy hearing about the continued perks of being a Google employee.

The New York Times ran yet another article this past weekend about the pure awesomeness of this employer…this time describing the free shuttle service the company offers to its employees who live in communities surrounding the main Google office in Mountain View, California. The Times writes:

“The company now ferries about 1,200 employees to and from Google daily — nearly one-fourth of its local work force — aboard 32 shuttle buses equipped with comfortable leather seats and wireless Internet access. Bicycles are allowed on exterior racks, and dogs on forward seats, or on their owners’ laps if the buses run full.”

Hot damn, that’s cool. Reading Perez Hilton on your commute while your tired tushy rests on a luxurious leather seat? I bet these shuttles even have that new car smell.

And while riding on this joyous Google bus, there’s no stress about getting stuck, after a hard day’s work, next to that annoying coworker who’s shouting loudly into her cell phone about her last Pap Smear. Why? Becuase there’s actually RULES on this bus:

“Inside, most riders appeared to abide by the shuttle’s etiquette rules. Cellphone conversations are allowed if they are work-related and sotto voce. But loud personal calls are definitely out. In fact, except for a couple snuggled together, no one sat on adjacent seats. Many took out iPods or laptops and worked, surfed the Web or watched videos.”

Meanwhile, I think I know that girl in the front row with the Burberry scarf on. She looks awfully similar to an old college classmate of mine. I’m looking up her alumni email address now… “Dear Fellow Alum, I think you used to sit next to me in Pych 102. I hear you work for Google now. Hook that shit up, yo. Resume attached.”

 

 

Au Revoir, Paris

Sacre bleu! According to Gawker, the Associated Press has decided to put the kebosh on any upcoming Paris Hilton stories for a week. The entertainment editor of the AP allegedly wrote in an email to his colleagues, “Barring any major, major news, we are not going to put a single word about Paris on the wire.”

Merci, AP. Merci. I never thought I’d say it, but I’ve had enough of Paris.

Shhhhhh….put on your earmuffs, AP.  I just heard word that Paris got arrested again last night for driving with a suspended license. But don’t worry about it, AP. Pretend I never told you. And really it doesn’t matter, because Reuters is all over it.

UPDATE TWENTY MINUTES LATER: Looks like the AP caved and published the news of Paris’s run-in with law after all. Me thinks somebody over there was crossing their fingers behind their back when they made that promise. Am I right? Hmmm?

Look at Me! I’m Special!

In an alarming and completely shocking study released this morning by San Diego State University, researchers are reporting that today’s college students are more narcissistic and self-centered than ever before. OMGOMGOMG – hold the phone! Are you SERIOUS?? College students are thinking only of themselves and how they’re perceived by others? Shut up!

The study goes on to state that because of of this increased narcissim, young people will have difficulties maintaining meaningful relationships with others. Now this makes sense if you look at…oh, I don’t know…Britney Shears, for example. Or Paris Hilton. Or Nicole Richie. These young divas are the high royalty of the “Look at me, I’m special” phenomenon.

Technological advances in today’s society are also blamed for this increased self-centeredness among students, especially social networking websites like MySpace.

The new report also found that nearly three-quarters of the college freshmen it surveyed thought it was important to be “very well-off financially.” Let’s all give MTV’s reality show, “My Super Sweet Sixteen,” a big round of applause for that one.

For those of you lucky readers out there who’ve never seen the show, “Sweet Sixteen” documents overly wealthy fifteen year olds as they plan, whine about and obnoxiously demand lavish sixteenth birthday parties costing up to a million bucks. Let’s just say I once counted how many times a young girl whined “Daddy” on camera while watching the show, but gave up after the number neared 50.

Anyhoo…it’s no shock to me that today’s college students are screaming on the inside and out, “Look at me! I’m special!” But in reality, don’t we all (embarassing as it is) find ourselves doing this from time to time?

I know I do. I started this blog, didn’t I? Aren’t I special?

A Poem for Wild Oats

To My Beloved Wild Oats,

Why didn’t you call me?? When I heard the news that Texas’ love child, Whole Foods, had BOUGHT you, I was moved to tears. Maybe if you had reached out to me, I could’ve done something. Okay…I probably couldn’t have antied up the entire $565 million, but hell – I’ve bounced checks before.

My Dear Boulder-Based Wild Oats,

I’m just still in shock that the Texans got to YOU TOO. They’ve taken over I-25, they’ve multiplied in Highlands Ranch, they’ve even encroached upon The Cherry Cricket. And now, alas…they’ve aquired you too.

Woe is Me Wild Oats,

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not entirely against your enemy. I love me some yogurt parfaits from Whole Foods. And yes, they have a great salad bar with a yummy garbanzo bean mix. But DAMN – 15 bucks for a chicken breast??? No tit is worth that tat.

Wild Oats My Love,

I hope you can keep your spirit alive under the pressures of corporate America. I hope when you join with Whole Foods, organic food remains somewhat affordable. But mostly, I hope your hybrid selves will still carry that delish salad dressing I like. (That’s Renee’s Gourmet Fig Balsamic for you Whole Foods suits reading this.)

RIP Wild Oats. I loved your black cherry juice that I couldn’t find anywhere else. I won’t forget that about you…EVER.

(Knock, knock…yeah, Barnes & Noble? Stay the F&*# away from my Tattered Cover!)

Why I Love The Caballeros’ Cajones…

With wedding season lingering in the distance, I would like to dedicate my Tuesday Tirade to the Caballeros, an incredibly intelligent husband and wife team who did the following, according to Reuters:

“Fed up with spending too many weekends going to weddings, an Argentine couple took out a paid announcement on the social pages of a major newspaper expressing their desire for some social neglect. ‘We thank you ahead of time for understanding this petition, which is due to our saturated social calendar,’ read the ad in La Nacion.”

Wow. The Caballeros have some serious cajones, don’t they? As a newly engaged bridezilla-to-be, I certainly understand how life can be all about weddings. But having a bethrothal every single weekend is enough for anyone to feel the need to become a Wedding Ditcher.

Even better is Adolfo Caballeros’ explanation of why he’s opting out of being a frequent wedding day participant: “It’s fun for youngsters who want to dance until 5 a.m. … but the next day I’m tired and I can’t move when I want to go play tennis.” C’mon Adolfo. Isn’t that just a really nice way of saying, “Sometimes post wedding hangovers are truly sucktastic???” ‘Tis true…celebrating love can be truly exhausting…but doesn’t this just look a f’ing good time??

Which leads me to believe my idea of serving guacomole jello shots at my wedding is still a good one….note to self: don’t rule that out just yet.