Girl Crushin’

I have a new girl crush. C’mon ladies – you know what I’m talkin’ about (and if you don’t – listen up).

AAAAAAND SCENE:

Lauren walks into spin/yoga class, spots instructor, gets a wee nervous.

Lauren: Oh, hi Danielle! (Flips bangs.)

Danielle: Hey Lauren! So glad you made it to class! (Continues to greet every other person that walks into spin/yoga studio.)

Lauren: Yeah, me too! (Lauren says over-eagerly. Once she notices that Danielle isn’t listening anymore, Lauren starts to over-adjust her spinning bike…embarrassed. Class starts. Of course, Danielle plays Lauren’s favorite techno song to begin workout. Lauren incorrectly believes this is because Danielle and Lauren are besties.)

Danielle: Okay everyone! Ready to work extra hard today? I know we’re all ready for it. Turn it up to level eight and increase your cadence.

Lauren: (Huffing, puffing. Starts sprinting on spinning bike to the point of exhaustion. Note: It’s only three minutes into the class.)

Danielle: Ummm, Lauren – good job! Don’t forget to save some energy for after our warm-up.

Lauren: Oh…of course! (Lauren is meanwhile thinking, “I’m dying…I’m not gonna make it.”)

AAAAAND SCENE.

No need to go further into what a girl crush looks like. Obvi: Jen, please don’t take this personally. You’ll always complete me.

BeThree…The Filet of Websites

The good news? I’m not dead. The bad news? Britney Spears is still not wearing underwear and Mary Kate Olsen has snuck her way into one of my favorite TV shows, “Weeds.” It’s a travesty.

Anyway, I know you’ve missed me and if you’re looking for someone to blame for my absence, blame BeThree – a fantastic website that you should all go visit immediately. Actually, sign up. If you do, you’ll be on the same list as Jennifer Aniston and Kate Hudson, both of whom have also decided to sign up for BeThree because they love it THAT much. *

* Okay, this is a slight fabrication…but if these two actually knew about the site, they’d have signed up already.  That said, I’m emailing them now…

Rubik’s Cubes: A Game For Bionic Geniuses?

Things to accomplish in this lifetime:

1) Become besties with Jennifer Aniston. (We’re slowly but surely getting there. I’m convinced Jen’s hairdresser’s niece reads this blog. Yes, Memos to Myself is getting BIG TIME.)

2) Eat a piece of cheesecake and like it. (I’m really not sure what the point of a dessert is if there’s no chocolate involved. Cheese as a dessert? Really, people? Really?)

3) Beat my older brother…at anything. (This might possibly be the hardest challenge on my list to date because the man is a bionic genius…and I didn’t make that up. Someone actually referred to my brother as “a bionic genius” once. This obviously lead me to believe I was adopted.)

4) Solve a Rubik’s cube like this guy:

In an effort to cross #4 off my list, I did some research on the Rubik’s cube and found the following directions titled, “5 Simple Steps to Solving a Rubik’s Cube.”

1. Use the centers as a guide. Put the white pieces around the white center, and put the red pieces around the red center.

2. Try to find each piece on the Rubik’s Cube and decide where it belongs before making random turns.

3. Solve layers, not faces. If you get a face, try to get the side edge around the face to match in color.

4. Break and fix. You can break apart certain groups, and fix them in a certain way to accomplish your goals (note he’s not suggesting that you actually break the cube, rather break the sequence of colors).

Umm, what? I’m sorry, did you just confuse me with Good Will Hunting? Contrary to popular belief, I’m not Rain Man’s sister. Given that I don’t even understand the directions, I think I’ll stick to writing, thank you very much.

Forget #4, let’s move on to #3 on my list: beat older brother. Bionic Genius, you better watch out. I’ve been reading “The Economist” cover-to-cover and doing non-girly push-ups at the gym for the past few months in preparation. I think I’m ready: I officially challenge you to a thumb war. Bring it!

 

 

 

Pilates & The Potty Mouth

In an effort to reshape my body to look exactly like Jennifer Aniston’s, I’ve taken up Pilates. (Yes, I know…how very Gwyneth of me.) For those of you who aren’t familiar with Pilates, it’s basically like yoga…except instead of seeing tight-clothed women doing poses on the floor, you see them being stretched and contorted while attached to machines resembling medievil torture devices. That, in a nutshell, is Pilates.

So I was in class last week, trying to follow my instructor’s orders of “focusing on my core, breathing smoothly, and maintaining a neutral spine.” This while attempting to uphold some sense of dignity as I winced through one uncomfortable position to the next. Let’s just say it was not going well.

“If sixty-five year old Patrick Swayze can do this, then so can I, goddamnit!” I was thinking to myself when we started the final series of advanced poses. I looked over and saw the three other women in my class moving effortlessly, their limbs gracefully extended. I, on the other hand, looked like a bull in a china shop: beads of sweat running down my temples, face red with exersion. And then it happened – a snap, crackle and finally a pop in my lower back.

“Motherf*cker!”

And then there was silence. Heads turned. Mouths gaped. Had I just yelled a vulgar obscenity in a place where you have to take your shoes off at the door to respect the space’s zen-like quality?? Shit, I had.

And so goes my Pilates adventures and my quest to have Jennifer Aniston’s taut triceps. I have a feeling I might be banished to the Pilates timeout corner tonight for not using my words.

Why I Love This Job and All Things Sassy

“Wanted: A sassy young woman with intense creativity, a passion for life, a solid sense of humor, a love of wellness, and an unwavering need to contribute to something that will make a difference.”

This is the awesome job description that somehow made its way into my inbox today. When I first read it, I couldn’t help but sit straight up in my chair, launch my hand skyward and start waving it furiously while yelling, “That’s me! That’s me!”

But wait, there’s more. The company is also looking for a candidate that has writing and/or internet experience. Ahem (tapping microphone) is this thing on??? “I’m right here!”

Because I want this job so badly that I’d do anything to get it, I dedicate today’s Tuesday Tirade to…

WHY I LOVE THIS JOB AND WANT IT MORE THAN JENNIFER ANISTON AS MY BFF:

Frankly, I think me and this job go together better than Britney Spears and Redbull. Why? Let’s examine the evidence:

• Sass. I’m sassy. I mean, I think I’m sassy. During my unfortunate pre-teen years when I had bangs the size of Bermuda, my parents would often say to me, “Don’t be sassy with me, young lady!” That counts, right? If you’re thinking sassy in terms of “lively and spirited,” I’m that kind of sassy as well. My mom likes to call it “spunk.”
• Creativity. Creativity’s my shtick. My college major even had “creative” in the title. (And for all you sleuths out there trying to piece together the puzzle, I was a Creative Writing Major.) I’m so creative, I even fabricate conversations between myself and a urinal thief just for fun. What can I say? I have an active imagination.
• Passion for Life. Again, it’s like looking in a mirror! I have more passion for life than the guys in the extreme Mountain Dew commercials. I’ll try anything once…except cheesecake. I hate cheesecake.
• A Sense of Humor. I make you guys laugh now and then, don’t I? More importantly, I laugh at myself all the time. I do some funny shit…especially when I’m stuck in traffic and start talking to myself.
• A Love of Wellness. Maybe it’s my Colorado upbringing, my bionic older brother, or my love of sports. Whatever it is, I know how great it feels to be healthy, to surround your body with only things that can nurture it. Feeling healthy = feeling pretty damn good. Now please pass the green tea.
• Making a Difference. Not to sound like an after-school special, but now more than ever I feel a calling to contribute to something bigger than myself. It could possibly be a quarter-life crisis whispering in my ear, but something about marketing food and beverages online just doesn’t cut it for me anymore. I need more.
• Writing & The Internet. What a pair, and easily my two most favorite things in the world with the exception of guacamole and Jennifer Aniston. I have yet to reach the end of the internet, but I’m pretty darn close. And Jen, well she knows how much I love her.

So there you have it. Reasons why I think I could take this job and run with it. Now I just need to apply…

PS – Speaking of Sassy, does anyone out there remember Sassy Magazine??? That was my first ever magazine subscription in the late ’80s. Then it went and got cancelled around the same time as “My So Called Life.” One of the worst weeks of my life as a Middle Schooler, I tell you. Jordan Catalano, I’ll always love you.

               

Happy Belated Bday to My BFF!

Happy 38th, Jen! I hope you had a fab time at your birthday throwdown on Saturday night with Courtney. (PS – we’re SO in a fight because you didn’t tell me Vince was going to be there. You two aren’t back together, are you?) Anyhoo.. so sorry I couldn’t make it to the soiree…I already had plans. Oh wait – I was never invited. But it’s cool. I still love you.

Please don’t listen to all those critics who claim that your “deviated septum” story is just an excuse to get a real nose job. I believe you, I really do. Those septums can be real pains in the ass.

Brunch at The Ivy soon? Hugs.

Why I Love Beachy Vacays (And Shiny Objects)

I’ve returned from the land of crystal blue waters and Mai Tais and am ready to blog away. Tuesday = Loathe/List day, so here it is…my second installment of what I will now be calling the Tuesday Tirade. And the focus of today’s topic is (drum roll please) why I love beachy vacations…obvi.

1) The anticipation of going on vacation takes the cake. C’mon…how excited do you get when the time comes to buy travel size products at Target??? You know what I’m talking about…the ten Q-Tips in a cute little plastic case, the adorably petite toothpaste tubes, the miniature advil bottles that look like Rolos. That’s the BEST!

2) On your way to vacay, you get to wait at the one cool airport gate advertising an exotic destination like Hawaii – and people get jealous. Next time you’re in this particular situation, take a look around.. all the other poor sons-of-bitches that are going to places like Topeka and Little Rock actually give you DIRTY looks. I swear. It’s awesome.

3) On vacay, you can have a pina colada for breakfast and not feel guilty. Or three. Or five.

4) Speaking of pina coladas, you get to walk around on vacay smelling like a damn fruity beverage thanks to sunscreens like Hawaiian Tropic. I’m not complaining… If I can drink AND smell like my favorite frosty treat, I’m one happy camper. Is it wrong to want to lick your arm after applying SPF 15?

5) You can read smutty magazines like USWeekly, InTouch and TeenBeat in public and it’s okay. You’re on vacation. There’s no crying in baseball and there’s no reading “War & Peace” on vacation.

6) Calories and carbs don’t count on vacay. (Okay, they do – but you pretend they don’t.) I like to compare it to when you’re trying to eat away a hangover with a Double Whopper and a Frosty. It’s a cure, so the calories doesn’t count. Same goes for eating coconut icecream every night when you’re on a vacay. Just do it.

7) You don’t have to wear a watch on vacay. You learn how to tell time simply by where the sun is perched in the sky, ie: tanning time.

8 ) You can wear flipflops every. single. day. This, my friends, is true paradise. A sock-less world is a world to be cherished.

9) And finally, if you’re lucky, you can get engaged on vacay. OMGOMG…Yes, my dear readers…Memos to Myself is now betrothed!!!! Mr. Memos proposed to me on our first day in paradise and we’ve been celebrating ever since. I’ve returned to my real life with a gigantic/beautiful rock on my finger and a permanent toothy grin, ecstatic that I’m the chosen one who gets to spend the rest of her life with the most perfect fish in the sea. There are no other fish out there, if you ask me. Truly, I’m the luckiest girl in the whole wide world, the entire blogosphere, and the Jennifer Aniston fan club.

Anyway, gotta run…it’s time to go stare at this shiny diamond on my left hand and smile. I do this at least five times a day, now that I’m engaged.

(Actual size of my engagement ring…almost.)

Why I Love Jen

It’s Tuesday, and you know what THAT means… it’s my second least favorite day of the week apart from, of course, sucky Monday. To brighten up everyone’s Tuesdays from now on, I’ll be providing you with either a “Love” or “Loathe” list every week on Tuesday. Why? Because it’s my blog and you’re not the boss of me.

That said, I see only one way to begin this new tradition. And this, of course, is to pay homage to my imaginary BFF, Jen. So with that, I give you the top reasons…

WHY I LOVE JENNIFER ANISTON:

1) Her hair. Duh.

2) She’s classy, people. Yeah, she’s gotten some flack for incorporating too much black into her wardrobe, but do you know what wearing all black means? It means you’re CLASSY. (Note: please do not confuse Classy with Goth…there’s an extreme difference there).

3) She’s dignified. Despite going through very public breakups with both Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn, Jen remains composed and unscathed. Not once has she bad-mouthed her exes (a popular technique among Hollywood Celebs and High Schoolers). I’m similar to Jen in this way in that most of my ex-boyfriends are complete f’ing @#@#&#$&*, but I never say that out loud.

4) She likes margaritas. In fact, Jen likes margaritas so much, she was rumored to go out for Mexican food three times a week with her ex, Brad, to imbibe in some tequila candy and guacamole. Smart, smart lady.

5) She’s an Aquarius. OMG…so am I!!!!

6) She’s ten years older than me, but the b*tch looks ten years younger than me.

7) Her hair. Duh.

8 ) She seems real. Jen comes across as having an actual sense of humor and real human feelings…she’s not untouchable or plastic like…ohhhh, I don’t know… Angelina Homewrecker Jolie.

9) She’s crafty. A long time ago, Jen dated Counting Crows rocker, Adam Durtiz, and must’ve figured out at some point in their relationship how to put her hands through his hair. One word: talent.

Jen, you’re the bestest. Let’s grab soy lattes sometime this week and treat ourselves to manis and pedis.