It’s April! Have Some Cheesy Goodness…

April is special and I’m not just saying that because April Fool’s Day, Friday the 13th and Earth day are all inhabitants of this fantastic Spring month. I’m saying that because, above all else, April is National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Month. (Meanwhile, I’d like to personally thank whomever had the foresight to designate an entire month in honor of this special cheesy delicacy. )

To state the obvious: I’m Grilled Cheese’s number one fan. Spongy bread enveloping gooey Kraft Singles makes my heart go pitter pat. There’s nothing like a little GC to get over a bad day, a crushing heartbreak, a wicked cold, and most importantly, a nasty hangover. Not to mention I lived off those little cheesy devils for four years in college. Greasy little suckers.

Therefore, I was completely devastated to learn I had missed my chance to attend the 4th 2nd Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational on February 24th in LA.

Those lucky enough to take part in this groundbreaking tradition were welcomed with the following mission:

“While anyone is welcome to sign up and compete, only the few, the proud, the winners will be able to raise their cheese and butter speckled fists to the angry sky above and scream, ‘I am a Fucking Grilled Cheese Champion™!’”

Wow.  That gave me more goosebumps than the Braveheart speech.

After perusing some first-hand accounts of this year’s event, including one from the participating team, Cheesus Christ, I came across a description that will change my life forever. By the grace of God, one incredibly talented baker took it upon herself to create a “three-tier wedding cake made of over seventy grilled-cheese sandwiches, ‘iced’ with Mother Nature’s perfect food, E-Z Cheeze, and topped with a Peep bride & groom.”

I just teared up a little with overwhelming pride. Here’s hoping this Grilled Cheese Maestro is available in the Fall of ‘08 for the infamous (and never to be forgotten) Memos Wedding.

Because nothing says I love you like a little cheesy goodness…

 

Hot Pockets: I Like Them…Stop Kidding Yourself, You Like Them Too

At this point, I think we know each other well enough for me to let you in on a little secret. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s something you should know. I like Hot Pockets.

More specifically, I like Lean Pockets…and everything Lean Pockets represent. This includes the little cardboard sleeve they come in, the smell that emenates from your microwave when you’re nuking them, their flaky breaded shell that crumbles against your fork, and the vast array of flavors available at your local grocery store’s frozen food aisle. There’s nothing like a little Ham & Cheese LP to get me through a tough day at work. This is something I just thought you should know.

And hey, those little pastry pockets aren’t too bad for you either. Admittedly, when I look at the ingredient list of a Lean Pocket, I can’t say that I’m familiar with “modified food starch, dried whey and palm kernel oil,” but hell – that little delicious puppy only has 280 calories. Meat and cheese wrapped in a Poptart? Delightful.

But there are risks associated with Hot Pocket consumption. I know this and Jim Gaffigan knows this. So with that, I give you the following important safety announcement regarding Hot Pockets. Please take this seriously, you fellow Pocket fans. (I know you’re out there.) And remember: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER MICROWAVED. I can never remember that damn part.

Hoooooot Poooockettttt!

I’m A Super Bowl Sucka…

DCist,

You are, by far, the best blog hailing from my former life in the Nation’s Capital. Therefore, I was not surprised when you read my mind this morning by posting:

“So we’re making this proposal to The Man, right here, right now: make the day after the Super Bowl a holiday. We’ll use it to celebrate sloth, gluttony, and our blessed capitalism. We can observe it by eating microwave burritos in our pajamas and watching our favorite Superbowl commercials on the internet. In return, we’ll give back President’s Day.”

Hallelujuah, DCist. After one too many servings of guacomole and seven-layer dip (oh yeah…and all that damn alcohol I drank last night,) I begrudgingly made my way into work this morning with an irritating hangover and an unsettled belly. Please god, why can’t the day after the Super Bowl just be declared a National Holiday already???

So that others can experience an inkling of the pain I endured this morning, here is a list of all things consumed by yours truly throughout the seven hour, two-party Super Bowl circuit I ate my way through yesterday:

(Listed in order of consumption)

• 1 Sierra Nevada Pale Ale to start the party-hopping off right
• 3 grapes
• 2 mini carrots…yes, I was trying to begin the night off healthy until I had…
• 1.5 brownies
• Another Sierra Nevada
• 2 handfuls of pretzels
• 4 gargantuan helpings of guacomole which obviously requires…
• many handfuls of Tostitos
• 8 olives
• 2 more grapes
• A tad more guacamole

(Interlude: arrive at second Super Bowl party)

• 1 glass of red wine…yup, at this point of the night, I decided to “mature” my drinking
• 5 handfuls of almonds
• More guacomole and then…
• Lots more guacomole
• 1 steak (yes, STEAK)
• 1 baked potato
• Another glass of wine
• And to top off the night…a piece of birthday cake finished with…
• A glass of champagne

SWEET JESUS. Who was tossing and turning last night, waking up in a cold sweat with nightmares of guacomole smothering her in her sleep??? Ummm, THIS GIRL.

Now if the nauseating list above ain’t reason enough to institute a National Holiday after the Super Bowl, then god help us…it’s never going to happen. Stay strong my fellow Super Bowl revelers…tomorrow’s another day.

Comin’ at you live from the girl who wants to give the inventor of drawstring pants a BIG HUG.

Doughnuts. Is There Anything They Can’t Do?

I haven’t had a donut in about two years. The last time I indulged in one of these sinful pastry devils was with Mr. Memos in Brielle, NJ back in ‘05. We were spending a long, beach weekend with about 12 friends. One morning after a particularly rough night, we went out and bought a delightful variety box from Dunkin’ Donuts for the troops nursing their hangovers back at home. Boston Cremes, Glazed, Powdered, Sprinkled, Sugared…nothing but the best for my entourage.

Anyhoo, the reason I’m relating this story to you is because these fine little doughy creatures have been in the news a lot lately. Especially since Dr. Robert Bohannon, a molecular scientist who moonlights as a café owner, invented a way to add caffeine to baked goods. According to CNN:

“The amount of caffeine in his creations can vary, but Bohannon can easily put 100 milligrams of caffeine — the equivalent of a 5-ounce cup of drip-brewed coffee — into the treats he plans to market under the ‘Buzz Donuts’ and ‘Buzzed Bagels’ names.”

Yahtzee! Two of my favorite things have just been united into what has to be the best invention of the past decade. (Jen, don’t worry…you’re still in the top three.) I’m unapologetically ecstatic about this merger because I’m one of those caffeine addicts you read about that can’t start their day without a Venti Latte from the ‘Bucks. I’m that one co-worker you avoid at all costs before 10 AM unless they have a hot, steaming cup of Joe in their hands. Caffeine, for me, is a moral imperative. And to have it strategically placed in baked goods? My knees go weak at the mere thought.

Apparently, manipulating donuts is something that’s been on the forefront of the cafe culture for awhile. At Voodoo Doughnut in Portland, Oregon, customers can order “doughnuts shaped like voodoo dolls or flavored with Tang,” according to NCBuy Weird News. The Portland jaunt even used to offer doughnuts glazed with awesome over-the-counters such as Robitussin, Ny-Quil and Pepto-Bismol before the poopy-pants FDA intervened.

So there you have it. Caffeine Donuts. Tang Donuts. Donuts glazed with addictive Ny-Quil. As Homer Simpson so graciously put it, “Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”

Signed, Sealed, Delivered…It’s Pork!

Put down those chopsticks, people. Stop wasting money on takeout. Because GET THIS…the Chinese government has just created a stamp that tastes like sweet and sour pork! This is no joke…the damn thing even smells like a hot poultry dish.

Slashfood is reporting that China released this delicious stamp last week to celebrate the Year of the Pig, which starts February 18 (a very important date for another reason – for those of you who don’t know why, you’ll soon find out).

Given that VIP Chinese officials regularly check my blog, I’ve taken the liberty of creating a list of foods that should immediately be released in stamp form after the pork rendition has gone from sweet to sour. They are the following:

1) A macaroni & cheese stamp..if this could be available by next week, that would be grrrrreat.

2) A bowl of guacamole, accompanied by chips and a margarita stamp. (I’m requesting this just for you, Jen.)

3) I accidentally just drank six cosmopolitans at a Monday night happy hour but I woke up feeling great stamp. (I know from experience that many of you who read this blog will buy these in bulk.)

4) My boyfriend and I just broke up so I gorged on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a bag of Oreos, but I’m still feeling sexy stamp.

5) I just ate everything but the kitchen sink and now I’m going shopping for bikinis stamp.

6) That three-bite Lean Cuisine actually filled me up and I love being on a diet stamp.

7) I just ate a steaming Hot Pocket straight out of the microwave and I didn’t burn my tongue stamp.

And with all that talk of food, I’m now starving.  Anyone have 39 cents I can borrow? I’m craving Chinese…