Hot Pockets: I Like Them…Stop Kidding Yourself, You Like Them Too

At this point, I think we know each other well enough for me to let you in on a little secret. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s something you should know. I like Hot Pockets.

More specifically, I like Lean Pockets…and everything Lean Pockets represent. This includes the little cardboard sleeve they come in, the smell that emenates from your microwave when you’re nuking them, their flaky breaded shell that crumbles against your fork, and the vast array of flavors available at your local grocery store’s frozen food aisle. There’s nothing like a little Ham & Cheese LP to get me through a tough day at work. This is something I just thought you should know.

And hey, those little pastry pockets aren’t too bad for you either. Admittedly, when I look at the ingredient list of a Lean Pocket, I can’t say that I’m familiar with “modified food starch, dried whey and palm kernel oil,” but hell – that little delicious puppy only has 280 calories. Meat and cheese wrapped in a Poptart? Delightful.

But there are risks associated with Hot Pocket consumption. I know this and Jim Gaffigan knows this. So with that, I give you the following important safety announcement regarding Hot Pockets. Please take this seriously, you fellow Pocket fans. (I know you’re out there.) And remember: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER MICROWAVED. I can never remember that damn part.

Hoooooot Poooockettttt!

Honk If You Hate Bumper Stickers

I once had a crazy coworker who collected bumper stickers on the back of her red Toyota Camry. This woman had some real gems. Case and point:

In the company lot, her designated parking spot was right next to mine. This meant that the first thing I saw every morning on the walk from my car to the office would be sayings like this:

Great way to start the day.

When the time came for my bumper sticker sister to leave the company, she had collected about 62 total. Among them were a few real winners that I’ve decided to share with all of you in honor of her departure. If you’re lucky enough to get stuck in gridlock traffic behind this woman, please give her my best. Believe me, you’ll know her when you see her.

The PAX Peepshow

First off, apologies that its been awhile, dear readers. It won’t happen again. But what I have in store for you today should more than make up for my recent absence on the blogosphere. I hope you’re sitting down.

According to TVSquad, quite a few people in Phoenix were shocked and appalled last week when, out of the blue, the health special they were watching on TV was interrupted by hardcore porn. What’s worse? The special was being hosted by Tom Brokaw. What’s worse than that? The station in which this porn sabotage occured was KPPX-TV 51, a PAX affiliate. For those of you who aren’t familiar with PAX, it’s a religious Christian TV station. (Now please re-read this paragraph and look for the three bolded phrases I just chose to emphasize…because you’ll never see those words written in conjunction with each other EVER AGAIN.)

Allegedly, “station managers say someone in master control did it intentionally.” That. is. fantastic.

Those who were lucky enough to witness this act of complete TV rebellion were able to see between five and ten minutes of slapping skins, albeit with no sound. Kinky, eh?

Phoenix PD, I have a lead for you. I know of a particularly naughty young woman (initials of L.A.) who conveniently lives in the greater Phoenix area and could’ve most definitely masterminded a stunt like the one described above. I’ll pull together a composite picture and fax it to you now.

And in completely unrelated news, attendance at church this past Sunday in Phoenix hit an all-time high. Sinners.

Life on a Vineyard…It’s a Bitch

Have a case of the Wednesdays? I sure as hell do. So to give us all a much-needed laugh, I’ve decided to post an honest to god segment from an Atlanta newscast that I’ve probably watched… ohhhh, about fifty times.  The video needs no introduction…it speaks for itself.

Chilly, this is for you. Happy Bday, baby.

Life on a vineyard…it’s a bitch.

The Wheels on The Google Bus Go, “Aren’t you Jealous?”

I know I’ve written about this before…and maybe I’m a little bit obsessed…but I just can’t help it. Just in time for St. Patrick’s Day, let’s all get a little green with envy hearing about the continued perks of being a Google employee.

The New York Times ran yet another article this past weekend about the pure awesomeness of this employer…this time describing the free shuttle service the company offers to its employees who live in communities surrounding the main Google office in Mountain View, California. The Times writes:

“The company now ferries about 1,200 employees to and from Google daily — nearly one-fourth of its local work force — aboard 32 shuttle buses equipped with comfortable leather seats and wireless Internet access. Bicycles are allowed on exterior racks, and dogs on forward seats, or on their owners’ laps if the buses run full.”

Hot damn, that’s cool. Reading Perez Hilton on your commute while your tired tushy rests on a luxurious leather seat? I bet these shuttles even have that new car smell.

And while riding on this joyous Google bus, there’s no stress about getting stuck, after a hard day’s work, next to that annoying coworker who’s shouting loudly into her cell phone about her last Pap Smear. Why? Becuase there’s actually RULES on this bus:

“Inside, most riders appeared to abide by the shuttle’s etiquette rules. Cellphone conversations are allowed if they are work-related and sotto voce. But loud personal calls are definitely out. In fact, except for a couple snuggled together, no one sat on adjacent seats. Many took out iPods or laptops and worked, surfed the Web or watched videos.”

Meanwhile, I think I know that girl in the front row with the Burberry scarf on. She looks awfully similar to an old college classmate of mine. I’m looking up her alumni email address now… “Dear Fellow Alum, I think you used to sit next to me in Pych 102. I hear you work for Google now. Hook that shit up, yo. Resume attached.”

 

 

Why You Need to Hang out at a Mall Food Court…STAT

If you haven’t spent any time at a mall food court recently, I would definitely recommend doing so. It’s not like the old days, I can tell you that much. One main problem…no Orange Julius’ or Corn Dogs in sight. What the hell kind of a food court doesn’t have an Orange Julius???? Damn those smoothies were good…old school Jamba Juices is what they were, but ten times better. Their lemonade was killer.

But back to the story. Last weekend I was sitting alone at a table at the food court, waiting for my fiance to finish his errand at the mall, when I saw two awkward teenage guys strut their way across “the court” to sit at the table next to mine. The boys were probably around twelve years old, meaning they were telling all the girls they were sixteen and could drive. The following is an honest-to-god dialogue the two of them had while I sat, innocently sipping my Diet Coke next to them:

Boy #1: You think she’s gonna like that shit I bought her?
Boy #2: Yeah, dude. All chicks like candles.
Boy #1: It smells kinda weird…all fruity and shit. But girls like that, right?
Boy #2: Yeah.
Boy #1: The lady at the store said it was supposed to smell like a kiwi or something.
Boy #2: What the hell is a kiwi, man?
Boy #1: It’s kind of like a lime, but has hair on it. It’s a fruit.
Boy #2: What the fuck kind of fruit has hair on it, man?

At this point, Diet Coke squirted out through my nose and I promised myself I would visit the food court more often.

Why I Love This Job and All Things Sassy

“Wanted: A sassy young woman with intense creativity, a passion for life, a solid sense of humor, a love of wellness, and an unwavering need to contribute to something that will make a difference.”

This is the awesome job description that somehow made its way into my inbox today. When I first read it, I couldn’t help but sit straight up in my chair, launch my hand skyward and start waving it furiously while yelling, “That’s me! That’s me!”

But wait, there’s more. The company is also looking for a candidate that has writing and/or internet experience. Ahem (tapping microphone) is this thing on??? “I’m right here!”

Because I want this job so badly that I’d do anything to get it, I dedicate today’s Tuesday Tirade to…

WHY I LOVE THIS JOB AND WANT IT MORE THAN JENNIFER ANISTON AS MY BFF:

Frankly, I think me and this job go together better than Britney Spears and Redbull. Why? Let’s examine the evidence:

• Sass. I’m sassy. I mean, I think I’m sassy. During my unfortunate pre-teen years when I had bangs the size of Bermuda, my parents would often say to me, “Don’t be sassy with me, young lady!” That counts, right? If you’re thinking sassy in terms of “lively and spirited,” I’m that kind of sassy as well. My mom likes to call it “spunk.”
• Creativity. Creativity’s my shtick. My college major even had “creative” in the title. (And for all you sleuths out there trying to piece together the puzzle, I was a Creative Writing Major.) I’m so creative, I even fabricate conversations between myself and a urinal thief just for fun. What can I say? I have an active imagination.
• Passion for Life. Again, it’s like looking in a mirror! I have more passion for life than the guys in the extreme Mountain Dew commercials. I’ll try anything once…except cheesecake. I hate cheesecake.
• A Sense of Humor. I make you guys laugh now and then, don’t I? More importantly, I laugh at myself all the time. I do some funny shit…especially when I’m stuck in traffic and start talking to myself.
• A Love of Wellness. Maybe it’s my Colorado upbringing, my bionic older brother, or my love of sports. Whatever it is, I know how great it feels to be healthy, to surround your body with only things that can nurture it. Feeling healthy = feeling pretty damn good. Now please pass the green tea.
• Making a Difference. Not to sound like an after-school special, but now more than ever I feel a calling to contribute to something bigger than myself. It could possibly be a quarter-life crisis whispering in my ear, but something about marketing food and beverages online just doesn’t cut it for me anymore. I need more.
• Writing & The Internet. What a pair, and easily my two most favorite things in the world with the exception of guacamole and Jennifer Aniston. I have yet to reach the end of the internet, but I’m pretty darn close. And Jen, well she knows how much I love her.

So there you have it. Reasons why I think I could take this job and run with it. Now I just need to apply…

PS – Speaking of Sassy, does anyone out there remember Sassy Magazine??? That was my first ever magazine subscription in the late ’80s. Then it went and got cancelled around the same time as “My So Called Life.” One of the worst weeks of my life as a Middle Schooler, I tell you. Jordan Catalano, I’ll always love you.

               

Starbucks Swag: Not Just For Celebrities!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. The ‘Bucks will be giving out free cups of Joe next Thursday, March 15th, between 10am and 12 noon in celebration of their 2nd Annual Coffee Break. Yippee! Caffeine for Free!

Perhaps this “Coffee Break” is just what the ‘Bucks needs after a recent (and depressing) memo leaked to the press from the company’s Chairman, Howard Schultz. In the brutally honest memo, Schultz argues that his mass producing chains “no longer have the soul of the past,” resulting in “the watering down of the Starbucks experience.”

Not to go all Jerry Maguire here…but was that really a memo, Howard? It seems to me to be more of a mission statement.

Regardless, you know what Howie? I will FULLY buy into the authentic Starbucks experience again if you do one thing for me. Okay, if you do two things for me:

1) Drop the price of your Grande Nonfat Semi-Dry Sugar-Free No Whip Cinnamon Dolce Latte to $1

2) Give away free Grande Nonfat Semi-Dry Sugar-Free No Whip Cinnamon Dolce Latte’s at next week’s Coffee Break. Please don’t give out just regular cups of coffee. Zzzzzzz, borrrrring.

Basically, Howard, if you want to keep me as a loyal customer, you’re gonna have to SHOW ME THE MONEY!

(And by “Show Me the Money,” I mean offer me a free, no obligation, lifetime Starbucks card with an endless balance. Thank you.)

Watch Out Vera Wang, There’s a New Kid in Town…

Since I now have a big rock on the ring finger of my left hand, I think it’s time I start some wedding planning. One thing I’m looking forward to most is finding my perfect wedding dress. What will be my first bridal shop stop? Certainly not Vera Wang. I’m going to Disney World! According to Luxist, Disney will soon be releasing a new line of princess-inspired wedding dresses for all you brides-to-be.

According to The Orlando Sentinel, Disney has “developed a line of ethereal gowns that pay homage to Cinderella, Jasmine, Snow White, Ariel and Sleeping Beauty.”

This is fantastic news, given that I’ve always dreamed of (gulp) looking like this on my wedding day:

(Cue fabulous “Little Mermaid” song, “Part of Your World” now please.)

But the more I think about it, the more I realize my hour-glass figure and long hair lends itself well to this pants-and-a-bikini-top style:

Or maybe I’ll just reserve these Disney-inspired dresses for my bridesmaids…you gals won’t mind, right?

What To Do if You Have Blue Balls in the Office

I once had a coworker who used an exercise ball as an office chair. When asked why he prefered sitting on a large, rotund ball rather than on an ergonomically correct piece of furniture, he’d answer, “I’m working on my core.”

And it’s not like he’d just sit on it. There were times when I’d go into his office to prepare for a client call and he’d be bouncing and girating on his ball. It made me feel funny on the inside. This was particularly true in the instances when I could clearly see him, but not the ball behind his desk.

Why am I telling you this? Because some of you may be suffering through the same type of situation I’m describing above. And if that’s the case, please follow the necessary next steps:

And now my personal plea to all of you exercise fiends out there who are thinking about getting in some extra ab work while at the office. Please remember the following:

Blue Balls + An Office Environment = An Unpleasant Situation for Everyone