Au Revoir, Paris

Sacre bleu! According to Gawker, the Associated Press has decided to put the kebosh on any upcoming Paris Hilton stories for a week. The entertainment editor of the AP allegedly wrote in an email to his colleagues, “Barring any major, major news, we are not going to put a single word about Paris on the wire.”

Merci, AP. Merci. I never thought I’d say it, but I’ve had enough of Paris.

Shhhhhh….put on your earmuffs, AP.  I just heard word that Paris got arrested again last night for driving with a suspended license. But don’t worry about it, AP. Pretend I never told you. And really it doesn’t matter, because Reuters is all over it.

UPDATE TWENTY MINUTES LATER: Looks like the AP caved and published the news of Paris’s run-in with law after all. Me thinks somebody over there was crossing their fingers behind their back when they made that promise. Am I right? Hmmm?

Look at Me! I’m Special!

In an alarming and completely shocking study released this morning by San Diego State University, researchers are reporting that today’s college students are more narcissistic and self-centered than ever before. OMGOMGOMG – hold the phone! Are you SERIOUS?? College students are thinking only of themselves and how they’re perceived by others? Shut up!

The study goes on to state that because of of this increased narcissim, young people will have difficulties maintaining meaningful relationships with others. Now this makes sense if you look at…oh, I don’t know…Britney Shears, for example. Or Paris Hilton. Or Nicole Richie. These young divas are the high royalty of the “Look at me, I’m special” phenomenon.

Technological advances in today’s society are also blamed for this increased self-centeredness among students, especially social networking websites like MySpace.

The new report also found that nearly three-quarters of the college freshmen it surveyed thought it was important to be “very well-off financially.” Let’s all give MTV’s reality show, “My Super Sweet Sixteen,” a big round of applause for that one.

For those of you lucky readers out there who’ve never seen the show, “Sweet Sixteen” documents overly wealthy fifteen year olds as they plan, whine about and obnoxiously demand lavish sixteenth birthday parties costing up to a million bucks. Let’s just say I once counted how many times a young girl whined “Daddy” on camera while watching the show, but gave up after the number neared 50.

Anyhoo…it’s no shock to me that today’s college students are screaming on the inside and out, “Look at me! I’m special!” But in reality, don’t we all (embarassing as it is) find ourselves doing this from time to time?

I know I do. I started this blog, didn’t I? Aren’t I special?

A Poem for Wild Oats

To My Beloved Wild Oats,

Why didn’t you call me?? When I heard the news that Texas’ love child, Whole Foods, had BOUGHT you, I was moved to tears. Maybe if you had reached out to me, I could’ve done something. Okay…I probably couldn’t have antied up the entire $565 million, but hell – I’ve bounced checks before.

My Dear Boulder-Based Wild Oats,

I’m just still in shock that the Texans got to YOU TOO. They’ve taken over I-25, they’ve multiplied in Highlands Ranch, they’ve even encroached upon The Cherry Cricket. And now, alas…they’ve aquired you too.

Woe is Me Wild Oats,

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not entirely against your enemy. I love me some yogurt parfaits from Whole Foods. And yes, they have a great salad bar with a yummy garbanzo bean mix. But DAMN – 15 bucks for a chicken breast??? No tit is worth that tat.

Wild Oats My Love,

I hope you can keep your spirit alive under the pressures of corporate America. I hope when you join with Whole Foods, organic food remains somewhat affordable. But mostly, I hope your hybrid selves will still carry that delish salad dressing I like. (That’s Renee’s Gourmet Fig Balsamic for you Whole Foods suits reading this.)

RIP Wild Oats. I loved your black cherry juice that I couldn’t find anywhere else. I won’t forget that about you…EVER.

(Knock, knock…yeah, Barnes & Noble? Stay the F&*# away from my Tattered Cover!)

Why I Love The Caballeros’ Cajones…

With wedding season lingering in the distance, I would like to dedicate my Tuesday Tirade to the Caballeros, an incredibly intelligent husband and wife team who did the following, according to Reuters:

“Fed up with spending too many weekends going to weddings, an Argentine couple took out a paid announcement on the social pages of a major newspaper expressing their desire for some social neglect. ‘We thank you ahead of time for understanding this petition, which is due to our saturated social calendar,’ read the ad in La Nacion.”

Wow. The Caballeros have some serious cajones, don’t they? As a newly engaged bridezilla-to-be, I certainly understand how life can be all about weddings. But having a bethrothal every single weekend is enough for anyone to feel the need to become a Wedding Ditcher.

Even better is Adolfo Caballeros’ explanation of why he’s opting out of being a frequent wedding day participant: “It’s fun for youngsters who want to dance until 5 a.m. … but the next day I’m tired and I can’t move when I want to go play tennis.” C’mon Adolfo. Isn’t that just a really nice way of saying, “Sometimes post wedding hangovers are truly sucktastic???” ‘Tis true…celebrating love can be truly exhausting…but doesn’t this just look a f’ing good time??

Which leads me to believe my idea of serving guacomole jello shots at my wedding is still a good one….note to self: don’t rule that out just yet.

 

Do You Love Me $1,000,000 Worth?

Happy birthday to:

Toni Morrison (one of my favorite authors of all time)

John Travolta (Do you watch that Grease reality show that’s on these days, John? I bet you do…)

Vanna White (I’ve got nothin’ to say on this one)

Molly Ringwald (Molly, I loved you in the 80’s…you scare me now)

….and oh…. me!

If you still haven’t gotten me a bday gift, here’s an idea for ya. PopSugar’s reporting that you can now buy Britney’s hair from the salon where she shaved it off herself. The current bid is $1,001,500. Ummm, shouldn’t that be offered at a discounted rate since 75% of her hair were extensions???

Like Britney, I’ve gone a bit overboard this weekend celebrating my birthday with famous friends, flowing champagne and hair cuts. Therefore, this party girl is hittin’ the hay…

Girl, You Know It’s True!

I listened to their music (with Jenni in 5th grade). I read their biography (okay, I didn’t – but I’ll consider it). I watched their VH1 “Behind the Music” Special (yeah, I really did). Can it get any better? Oh yes, my friend…it can.

Girl, you know is true…the Milli Vanilli MOVIE is coming to a theater near you! ABC News reports:

“Hollywood trade paper Daily Variety reported in its Thursday issue that Universal Pictures is developing a film about the lip-synching combo, who lost their coveted Grammy for best new artist in 1990 when it emerged that they had never sung on their records.”

Awesome. But here’s the best part, according to Defamer:

“The writer/director is expected to reach out to Catch Me If You Can collaborator Leonardo DiCaprio, offering the actor the opportunity to play both roles himself and demonstrate to the Academy that he can push his mastery of his craft to a level past even the celebrated ‘Leo with a Boston accent’ and ‘Leo with a South African accent’ ones he achieved over the past year.”

Umm, what??? Leo DiCaprio is going to play BOTH Milli and Vanilli??? I OBJECT!!! I hate to state the obvious here, but…

= ?????

I DON’T SEE IT.

Meanwhile…Tyra, you were ROBBED!.

Anyway, if Leo is chosen to play Milli and Vanilli, then I can’t wait to see those dread extensions. Also, please accept my apologies if you now have “Blame it on the Rain” playing on repeat in your head. I know I do…that little diddy is catchy!

PS – HAPPY BIRTHDAY to one of the coolest girls I know. PoPo, Sheesh loves ya!

Michael Scott on Love, Friendship, and Online Dating

Odds are you’re spending the majority of your Valentine’s Day at work today. Lame-O. So to help put us all in the holiday spirit, I’ve decided to share some illuminating quotes about love, friendship, and the pursuit of happiness from the one and only Michael Scott of the glorious TV show, “The Office.” Apologies if any of his remarks offend you – he knows not what he does.

Michael on weddings: Webster’s dictionary defines ‘wedding’ as “the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.”

Michael on online dating: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. “Little Kid Lover.” That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael on accepting office diversity: You know what? Here’s what we’re going to do. Why don’t we go around and everybody – everybody – say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last.

Michael on male friendships: Hug it out bitch. That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out and in doing so they just let it go and walk away and they’re done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found it doesn’t translate.

Michael on his management style: I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager people would laugh when they saw me coming, and would applaud as I walked away.

Michael on love: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael on Valentine’s Day: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say “Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth.”

And to my own Valentine…Mr. Memo’s, I love you more than “The Office,” Jen, and guacomole, combined. Always will. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone…may your day be filled with an abundance of candy hearts, hershey kisses, and cheesy love songs.

Why I Hate Sucktastic People and How You Can Spot Them

Is there something in the air these days? I don’t know what’s going on, but people seem to have a propensity to suck this week. Therefore, today’s Tuesday’s Tirade is dedicated to all the sucktastic people I’ve had the displeasure of dealing with recently.

Disclaimer: I by no means deny being completely sucktastic at certain points in my life…namely, in my early teen years. And for that – Mom, Dad, Bro – I’m truly sorry. If it’s any consolation, during my sucktastic years, I was walking around with hair like this:

And so I give you…Why I Hate Sucktastic People and How You Can Spot Them:

• Sucktastic people don’t say “God bless you” when you sneeze, even when you are always saying it to them.
• Sucktastic people think they know everything there is to know about you, without having a clue of who you really are and where you’ve come from.
• Sucktastic people don’t tip. (Ahem…Paris and Britney, I’m talking to YOU.)
• Sucktastic people (and by people, I mean bartenders) give you attitude when you order fruity drinks at the bar. Ummm, if a girl wants a Zima, give the woman a damn Zima! Or a Blueberry Press…my new fav.
• Sucktastic people cut you off when you’re waiting for the treadmill at the gym, then program a two hour-long session on said machine.
• Sucktastic people root for Team Jolie (haha – just jokin’. No I’m not. Yes I am.)
• Sucktastic people pretend they’re better than you when we all know it’s just because their jealous.
• Sucktastic people don’t rewind VHS videos after renting them. (Okay, I know this a shout out to the early ’90s, but didn’t that truly suck when you rented a video and you had to rewind it before you could even watch it???)
• Sucktastic people blame you for hating their job.
• Sucktastic people know they suck, they’re just too afraid to admit it.

And with all that sucktastic venting out of the way, I’m off to bed. Here’s hoping to dreams filled with bunnies, rainbows, and chubby cupids in anticipation of Valentine’s Day tomorrow.

PS – If you are a daily reader of this blog, you are (obviously) the complete opposite of sucktastic. And if I’m missing anything that you think is truly sucktastic, feel free to leave a comment below…

Happy Belated Bday to My BFF!

Happy 38th, Jen! I hope you had a fab time at your birthday throwdown on Saturday night with Courtney. (PS – we’re SO in a fight because you didn’t tell me Vince was going to be there. You two aren’t back together, are you?) Anyhoo.. so sorry I couldn’t make it to the soiree…I already had plans. Oh wait – I was never invited. But it’s cool. I still love you.

Please don’t listen to all those critics who claim that your “deviated septum” story is just an excuse to get a real nose job. I believe you, I really do. Those septums can be real pains in the ass.

Brunch at The Ivy soon? Hugs.

TomKat’s Night at the Roxbury

This clip of TomKat dancing at a Super Bowl party last weekend makes me feel funny on the inside. Really, have you ever seen two more awkward human beings trying to boogie down with each other?

Apparently, Tom and Katie are taking dance lessons from the Butabi brother’s of SNL’s “Night at the Roxbury” and have picked up quite a few moves.